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Farang in Thailand

21 of June 2012

You know you’ve been in Thailand too long when:
You think it’s normal to have a beer at 9:00 a.m.

You begin to enjoy Thai TV programs.

You look four ways before crossing a one way street.

You realize that ALL your problems are caused by Thai girls or cranky ATMs.

You put salt and chilli on your fruit

A Thai cop stops you for a minor infraction and you automatically reach for your wallet.

You think that a Honda Civic is a prestigious car.

All your tee-shirts are emblazoned with the name of some bar.
You can’t remember the last time you wore a suit and tie or shoes

You think a polo shirt and jeans are formal attire.

Someone tells you that watching Thai politics is like watching two chameleons making love,
and you understand the analogy

You aren’t upset when the bar girl next to you eats beetles as a snack.

Later the same night, you actually kiss the bar girl who earlier dined on
the beetles
You haven’t had a solid stool for five years.

You wake up in the morning and realize that you have nowhere to go and all day to get there.
You think white wine goes well with Som Tam

You understand when your Thai wife says, ‘My friend you’ or ‘Same, same, but different.’

A Thai bar girl you’ve just met tells you that her mother is deathly ill and you just laugh and walk away.

You realize that your Thai wife’s loyalties belong to
1. Her parents.
2. Her brats from a previous marriage to a Thai scoundrel who deserted her
3. Any remaining blood relatives.
4. The family buffalo.
5. The family’s goldfish.
6. You.

The Thai Navy buys a new submarine and you’re not surprised when the first thing
they do is remove the mufflers and hang a garland from the rear view mirror.

You consider your mobile phone a fashion accessory.
You start wearing flip-flops everywhere.
You start driving cars with bare feet.
You no longer enjoy Songkran. Instead, you stay home with a stack of DVD’s.

You become an expert on buying and selling gold jewelry.
Dogs become animals you’d rather kick than pet.

When driving a car you’ll start using every free inch of the road.
You flash your 4 indicator lights when driving straight on at an intersection.

It’s two days before payday, so you only go to bars with balloons strung outside.
You realize that all the important words in Thai begin with the letter ‘S’. Sanuk (Fun),

Saduak (convenient), Sabai (comfortable), Suay (pretty).

You believe that buying a gold chain is an acceptable courtship ritual, or at least a form of foreplay.
You find that a calendar is more useful than a watch.

You go to a Thai Boxing match and a soccer game breaks out.

You stand in the shadow of a telephone pole while waiting for a bus.

You can’t remember the last time you had a dry fart.
You think putting ice in red wine or beer is normal.
You phone home and talk like a retard

You don’t care or know what day of the week it is.

You think 15kb’s of upload speed is quite fast.
You begin to think you actually are a ‘Hansum Man’.
You automatically without thinking swear in Thai.
You have aThai nickname.
Lao Khao just doesn’t do it for you any more. Neither does Viagra.

You own a CD compilation with Crazy Frog on it.

you don’t have a problem kissing a ladyboy on the cheek

you sit in a bar in Bangkok surrounded by naked girls and porn on the big screen
and you just want to watch the golf on the small screen in the corner
you avoid walking under fruit laden coconut palms

you avoid looking into a girls eyes longer than 3 seconds

your hotel lets you in accompanied by 2 or 3 girls

you know where to buy booze on officially shut holidays

you realize your whisky and soda is rum based

you accept 5 on a motorbike while shopping is normal

you accept builders clambering up bamboo scaffolding with no boots or helmets

you count the number of passengers embarking on a ferry

you automatically get chinese tea to accompany your coffee

pedestrian crossings mean nothing

nothing surprises you and things are not always what they seem

you realize Thai logic does not tally with Western logic

and you realize Laws are just mere suggestions, not necessarily to be obeyed